I share this not as one who has it figured out, but as one sharing key principles Nicole and I cling to as we try to raise our four children:
1. Jesus is Lord. This is not only the profession that saves a person nor just the confession that identifies one as a Christ-follower, this is the Truth that causes the bible to become the final authority on all matters of faith and practice in our lives. To be sure, Jesus is much more than the bible, but as God, He is no less than the entirety of Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, Jesus not only affirms and agrees with all of the bible, He wants you to also. To declare "Jesus is Lord" in your home means there is immediately One to whom everyone in the home submits and a document that is the final say on all matters of the family--the bible. Thus, right and wrong and values do not change with the tides of emotion or life's circumstances; instead, there is a singular, unchanging standard of Truth that governs the household. This is a critical piece, in fact, the critical piece to family and parenting. Your kids must know that what is right is right for you AND them and what is wrong is wrong for you AND them. One standard. They must see you submit your will to Jesus Christ--and I mean real life examples of you not doing what you want to do or you doing what you don't want to do just because the bible says so. They must see you cherish learning God's Word over a long period of time. They must believe you believe that Jesus is Lord.
2. Bible teaching. I really like Mark Dever's explanation of the importance of teaching/learning the bible as he describes it in 9Marks of a Healthy Church. The biblical pattern of life being created by God is through His Word: by His words He created the universe, by the word of His promise He created Israel, and by His Word, Jesus, (John 1:1ff) we are raised to life and brought abundant life (John 10:10). Life in God is always found in His Word; cut yourself off from His Word (bible) and you cut yourself off from life. If you want God to breathe life into your children's life, you must teach them the Word. There are no shortcuts. Do not outsource this to your local church. Do not outsource this to audio CDs in the car. Do not outsource this to Vegetales. Maybe I should say you cannot outsource this responsibility. Nobody is a better teacher of the Word to your children than the parents to whom God entrusted them. You will do a better job teaching your own children the bible on your worst day than I ever can on my best day because you know them better than anyone except God.
3. Time. This is simultaneously the easiest and the hardest for me. It's the easiest because it requires nothing but me giving the kids my time. It is the hardest because I'm not good at giving them some of my best time. But, we must be in our kids lives. Just spending time with them. Time to have meaningful conversation. Time to laugh. Time to play. Time to cry. Time. Just time. And, strangely, there are no short cuts in this departments. Luxurious gifts from fathers chasing the corporate dream are no substitute. To our kids, time is not money. Time is time. Lots of leniency on the rules from a mother too caught up in a busy social life is no substitute. They may think you are cool for being lenient, but they will not see it as a tradeoff for time. You are still an absentee mother. They must know we are available to them. They must know we love spending time with them. They must know we think time with them is time well spent. We only have them for 18 years. It is only a season. There are no shortcuts. Time.
4. Honesty. We try not to blow smoke on the one extreme, nor do we try to be harsh on the other. We try to be frankly honest. Let me give you examples: we do not tell our children they are good kids--the bible says they are not. None of them are born again (maybe the oldest is--he claims to be, but we are in no rush to affirm it) and thus according to Scripture they are inherently evil. They only have the old nature. Just because some may consider them well behaved does not make them good people. They are not good so we don't tell them they are good. We don't tell our son he is a fast runner if we know from watching other seven year olds run that he is merely average. If our child is selfish, we tell them so. If they do something well, we tell them. For some parents, this honesty in parenting principle is hard because for it to work, it must apply to us also. Honesty means there are times that I as a parent get down on the ground so I'm eye level with my three year old daughter so I can properly apologize to her for something I did to her. Honesty means I acknowledge to my kids my wrong doings when they have seen me do wrong so that they don't think I'm ok with my wrongs. Honesty means I sometimes take my kids along to see me right a wrong. Honesty means they see me apologize to their mother and seek her forgiveness. Honesty means they see me apologize to God and repent of my sin and seek His forgiveness. The times in childhood I saw my father crying before God over his own sin impacted my faith in God maybe more than any other factor. I have only seen my father cry a handful of times in my entire life. He is not a crier. But, every time I did see him cry he was crying before God over His own sin or over gratitude for his salvation. If my father was distraught enough over hurting God with his sin to cry on the ground before God, God must be one amazing and holy being. Honesty is crucial for a parent-child relationship.
5. Be their parent, not their friend. Sometimes our tendency as parents is to so much want our kids to be our friends when they are adults that we let it affect the eighteen years they are in our home. The thing is, the bible never says successful parenting produces adult friends, it says that if we parent them biblically, they will not depart from God's Word when they are adults. Which is preferable to you as a parent? An adult child pursuing God that is not so close to you or an adult child that is your best friend and nominally follows Christ? Of course, we might prefer both, but if we can't have both, which would you honestly choose? I hope the former. It isn't that Nicole and I don't want our kids to be close to us when they are adults, we do, it's just that we believe that if we practice these six principles, they will be close to us in adulthood. We've seen it time and time again in other families who are years ahead of us in raising children. Our children need parents, not peers. They have tons of peers and friends, but they only have one dad and one mom and nobody else can have that role in their lives. We are the ones who know them best and know God's Word and thus know what is best for them. We are the ones who know when they need time, patience, and mercy and when they need a swift kick in the pants. We are the ones who must confront them in their wrongdoing. We are the ones who must be honest with them about who they are and life around them. We are the ones who must not let them blame shift when they sin. We are the ones who they must know will be there through thick and thin when others around them come and go. We are the ones who must be willing to let them suffer when suffering is needed and bail them out when it is needed. We are the ones they must trust to know what is best for them when their less than brilliant ideas and those of their fickle friends don't quite pan out. A friend cannot do these things for a person. Only a parent can. In our home, one person is my friend and her name is Nicole. She is my best friend. The other four people are my children. Nicole feels the same way. We don't confuse "best friend" with "child". Maybe one day the latter will also become the former. Maybe not. We trust the Lord with that part.
6. Dad + mom = 1. Never 2. When dad and mom are not one united, indestructable, undefeatable force with the kids, families teeter and totter, barely holding together, until they inevitably fall. Dad and mom must decide on a parenting plan and stick to it. By that I mean, on issues the Scripture is black and white about, be black and white on those issues. On issues where Scripture is less than clear, dad and mom need to agree on how those issues will be handled and stick to it. Children cannot grow up in a secure, stable environment if there are two sets of parenting philosophies simultaneously going on. The children will find the seam between the two and it is over. The children will try to divide and conquer. They will try to play dad and mom against each other. They will try to manipulate. They will test and pry and prod, seeking fissures in the authority in their home--dad and mom--they must learn that when it comes to raising them, dad and mom have each other's back no matter what. The kids must know that to hurt dad is to hurt mom and vice versa. They must know that they are completely secondary to dad and mom--that the spouses are first in each other's world. Here is how we practically do these things in our home: I regularly tell the kids, "if I ever have to choose between you and mom, I'm choosing mom. It wont even require any thought and I wont have to wrestle with it at all. When it comes to mom or you guys, you guys lose every time." Another thing I often tell them is, "If you and mommy are in the street and a bus is bearing down on y'all and I can only save one of you, it won't even require any thinking...I'm saving mommy every time; I'd let you die before I let mommy die." Another thing I frequently tell them is, "if you make mommy mad, you've made me mad." Another thing we do is never disagree on an issue about them in front of them. If we are not on the same page, we hash it out away from the kids. When we disagree on a matter related to the kids, we go through the biblical process behind closed doors--hear each other out, challenge each other's position, earnestly pray through it, and seek the Scriptures on the matter. If we still can't get on the same page, I make the call and Nicole embraces it and we go out and do it. But, as far as the kids are concerned, we don't disagree on any matters when it comes to raising them. Another thing I try to do is "fly to the ball". You've heard of football defenses being coached to "fly to the ball", that's what I do if I hear one of the kids challenging Nicole. I literally run to the scene and charge in and intentionally stand next to Nicole and take up her case, often taking over and doing my best to overwhelm the child who decided they had the right to challenge mom in our home. One time Satan decided he would challenge God in His own home. That didn't work out so well for the devil who put that same spirit in my children--a spirit of rebellion. God didn't lose. We won't either. The kids know I have Nicole's back. One final thing Nicole and I often remind the kids of regarding us vs. them is that they are living in our home and it's their privilege to do so. If they refer to their room as "my room", we correct them: "Nope, that's our room. We are letting you sleep in it." If they refer to their bed as "my bed", we correct them: "Nope, that's daddy and mommy's bed, we are letting you sleep in it". Along this same vein we'll talk about what we are going to do with the room they sleep in once they move out. ie: I'll be in Colton's room and say, "one day this is going to be mommy's scrapbooking room" or I'll be in Campbell's room and say, "right now we are letting you stay in this room, but one day I'm going to turn it into my mancave". We are very clear that it is them and us and that they are living in our world. We don't want that line to become fuzzy. Ironically, we have found this principle creates a tremendous amount of security for the kids. They love it.
Well, if you are still with me on this post, thanks for sticking it out. These are the six main parenting principles Nicole and I cling to and try to live out. We are not perfect at it. We are still learning. Parenting surely is complicated. Especially for a husband and wife who don't share the common confession that "Jesus is Lord". If you are not yet married, do not marry someone who doesn't love the Lord like you do. Parenting is flat hard if you and your spouse agree about Jesus and the bible. It's borderline impossible if you don't. If you are married to an unbeliever, you are not without hope: remember Pastor Timothy in the bible to whom 1 and 2 Timothy are written, whose faith is credited to his mother and grandmother, Lois and Eunice, with no reference to his "Greek", and thus likely, unbelieving father. Though you are going it alone, you can still do #s 1-5. If you do, I believe the grace of God will win the day. If you are a parent, I pray the Lord gives you wisdom and grace as your raise your child according to the training and instruction of the Lord. If you want to talk about how to do any of these six principles, give us a shout. nlino@nehbc.com.
1. Jesus is Lord. This is not only the profession that saves a person nor just the confession that identifies one as a Christ-follower, this is the Truth that causes the bible to become the final authority on all matters of faith and practice in our lives. To be sure, Jesus is much more than the bible, but as God, He is no less than the entirety of Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, Jesus not only affirms and agrees with all of the bible, He wants you to also. To declare "Jesus is Lord" in your home means there is immediately One to whom everyone in the home submits and a document that is the final say on all matters of the family--the bible. Thus, right and wrong and values do not change with the tides of emotion or life's circumstances; instead, there is a singular, unchanging standard of Truth that governs the household. This is a critical piece, in fact, the critical piece to family and parenting. Your kids must know that what is right is right for you AND them and what is wrong is wrong for you AND them. One standard. They must see you submit your will to Jesus Christ--and I mean real life examples of you not doing what you want to do or you doing what you don't want to do just because the bible says so. They must see you cherish learning God's Word over a long period of time. They must believe you believe that Jesus is Lord.
2. Bible teaching. I really like Mark Dever's explanation of the importance of teaching/learning the bible as he describes it in 9Marks of a Healthy Church. The biblical pattern of life being created by God is through His Word: by His words He created the universe, by the word of His promise He created Israel, and by His Word, Jesus, (John 1:1ff) we are raised to life and brought abundant life (John 10:10). Life in God is always found in His Word; cut yourself off from His Word (bible) and you cut yourself off from life. If you want God to breathe life into your children's life, you must teach them the Word. There are no shortcuts. Do not outsource this to your local church. Do not outsource this to audio CDs in the car. Do not outsource this to Vegetales. Maybe I should say you cannot outsource this responsibility. Nobody is a better teacher of the Word to your children than the parents to whom God entrusted them. You will do a better job teaching your own children the bible on your worst day than I ever can on my best day because you know them better than anyone except God.
3. Time. This is simultaneously the easiest and the hardest for me. It's the easiest because it requires nothing but me giving the kids my time. It is the hardest because I'm not good at giving them some of my best time. But, we must be in our kids lives. Just spending time with them. Time to have meaningful conversation. Time to laugh. Time to play. Time to cry. Time. Just time. And, strangely, there are no short cuts in this departments. Luxurious gifts from fathers chasing the corporate dream are no substitute. To our kids, time is not money. Time is time. Lots of leniency on the rules from a mother too caught up in a busy social life is no substitute. They may think you are cool for being lenient, but they will not see it as a tradeoff for time. You are still an absentee mother. They must know we are available to them. They must know we love spending time with them. They must know we think time with them is time well spent. We only have them for 18 years. It is only a season. There are no shortcuts. Time.
4. Honesty. We try not to blow smoke on the one extreme, nor do we try to be harsh on the other. We try to be frankly honest. Let me give you examples: we do not tell our children they are good kids--the bible says they are not. None of them are born again (maybe the oldest is--he claims to be, but we are in no rush to affirm it) and thus according to Scripture they are inherently evil. They only have the old nature. Just because some may consider them well behaved does not make them good people. They are not good so we don't tell them they are good. We don't tell our son he is a fast runner if we know from watching other seven year olds run that he is merely average. If our child is selfish, we tell them so. If they do something well, we tell them. For some parents, this honesty in parenting principle is hard because for it to work, it must apply to us also. Honesty means there are times that I as a parent get down on the ground so I'm eye level with my three year old daughter so I can properly apologize to her for something I did to her. Honesty means I acknowledge to my kids my wrong doings when they have seen me do wrong so that they don't think I'm ok with my wrongs. Honesty means I sometimes take my kids along to see me right a wrong. Honesty means they see me apologize to their mother and seek her forgiveness. Honesty means they see me apologize to God and repent of my sin and seek His forgiveness. The times in childhood I saw my father crying before God over his own sin impacted my faith in God maybe more than any other factor. I have only seen my father cry a handful of times in my entire life. He is not a crier. But, every time I did see him cry he was crying before God over His own sin or over gratitude for his salvation. If my father was distraught enough over hurting God with his sin to cry on the ground before God, God must be one amazing and holy being. Honesty is crucial for a parent-child relationship.
5. Be their parent, not their friend. Sometimes our tendency as parents is to so much want our kids to be our friends when they are adults that we let it affect the eighteen years they are in our home. The thing is, the bible never says successful parenting produces adult friends, it says that if we parent them biblically, they will not depart from God's Word when they are adults. Which is preferable to you as a parent? An adult child pursuing God that is not so close to you or an adult child that is your best friend and nominally follows Christ? Of course, we might prefer both, but if we can't have both, which would you honestly choose? I hope the former. It isn't that Nicole and I don't want our kids to be close to us when they are adults, we do, it's just that we believe that if we practice these six principles, they will be close to us in adulthood. We've seen it time and time again in other families who are years ahead of us in raising children. Our children need parents, not peers. They have tons of peers and friends, but they only have one dad and one mom and nobody else can have that role in their lives. We are the ones who know them best and know God's Word and thus know what is best for them. We are the ones who know when they need time, patience, and mercy and when they need a swift kick in the pants. We are the ones who must confront them in their wrongdoing. We are the ones who must be honest with them about who they are and life around them. We are the ones who must not let them blame shift when they sin. We are the ones who they must know will be there through thick and thin when others around them come and go. We are the ones who must be willing to let them suffer when suffering is needed and bail them out when it is needed. We are the ones they must trust to know what is best for them when their less than brilliant ideas and those of their fickle friends don't quite pan out. A friend cannot do these things for a person. Only a parent can. In our home, one person is my friend and her name is Nicole. She is my best friend. The other four people are my children. Nicole feels the same way. We don't confuse "best friend" with "child". Maybe one day the latter will also become the former. Maybe not. We trust the Lord with that part.
6. Dad + mom = 1. Never 2. When dad and mom are not one united, indestructable, undefeatable force with the kids, families teeter and totter, barely holding together, until they inevitably fall. Dad and mom must decide on a parenting plan and stick to it. By that I mean, on issues the Scripture is black and white about, be black and white on those issues. On issues where Scripture is less than clear, dad and mom need to agree on how those issues will be handled and stick to it. Children cannot grow up in a secure, stable environment if there are two sets of parenting philosophies simultaneously going on. The children will find the seam between the two and it is over. The children will try to divide and conquer. They will try to play dad and mom against each other. They will try to manipulate. They will test and pry and prod, seeking fissures in the authority in their home--dad and mom--they must learn that when it comes to raising them, dad and mom have each other's back no matter what. The kids must know that to hurt dad is to hurt mom and vice versa. They must know that they are completely secondary to dad and mom--that the spouses are first in each other's world. Here is how we practically do these things in our home: I regularly tell the kids, "if I ever have to choose between you and mom, I'm choosing mom. It wont even require any thought and I wont have to wrestle with it at all. When it comes to mom or you guys, you guys lose every time." Another thing I often tell them is, "If you and mommy are in the street and a bus is bearing down on y'all and I can only save one of you, it won't even require any thinking...I'm saving mommy every time; I'd let you die before I let mommy die." Another thing I frequently tell them is, "if you make mommy mad, you've made me mad." Another thing we do is never disagree on an issue about them in front of them. If we are not on the same page, we hash it out away from the kids. When we disagree on a matter related to the kids, we go through the biblical process behind closed doors--hear each other out, challenge each other's position, earnestly pray through it, and seek the Scriptures on the matter. If we still can't get on the same page, I make the call and Nicole embraces it and we go out and do it. But, as far as the kids are concerned, we don't disagree on any matters when it comes to raising them. Another thing I try to do is "fly to the ball". You've heard of football defenses being coached to "fly to the ball", that's what I do if I hear one of the kids challenging Nicole. I literally run to the scene and charge in and intentionally stand next to Nicole and take up her case, often taking over and doing my best to overwhelm the child who decided they had the right to challenge mom in our home. One time Satan decided he would challenge God in His own home. That didn't work out so well for the devil who put that same spirit in my children--a spirit of rebellion. God didn't lose. We won't either. The kids know I have Nicole's back. One final thing Nicole and I often remind the kids of regarding us vs. them is that they are living in our home and it's their privilege to do so. If they refer to their room as "my room", we correct them: "Nope, that's our room. We are letting you sleep in it." If they refer to their bed as "my bed", we correct them: "Nope, that's daddy and mommy's bed, we are letting you sleep in it". Along this same vein we'll talk about what we are going to do with the room they sleep in once they move out. ie: I'll be in Colton's room and say, "one day this is going to be mommy's scrapbooking room" or I'll be in Campbell's room and say, "right now we are letting you stay in this room, but one day I'm going to turn it into my mancave". We are very clear that it is them and us and that they are living in our world. We don't want that line to become fuzzy. Ironically, we have found this principle creates a tremendous amount of security for the kids. They love it.
Well, if you are still with me on this post, thanks for sticking it out. These are the six main parenting principles Nicole and I cling to and try to live out. We are not perfect at it. We are still learning. Parenting surely is complicated. Especially for a husband and wife who don't share the common confession that "Jesus is Lord". If you are not yet married, do not marry someone who doesn't love the Lord like you do. Parenting is flat hard if you and your spouse agree about Jesus and the bible. It's borderline impossible if you don't. If you are married to an unbeliever, you are not without hope: remember Pastor Timothy in the bible to whom 1 and 2 Timothy are written, whose faith is credited to his mother and grandmother, Lois and Eunice, with no reference to his "Greek", and thus likely, unbelieving father. Though you are going it alone, you can still do #s 1-5. If you do, I believe the grace of God will win the day. If you are a parent, I pray the Lord gives you wisdom and grace as your raise your child according to the training and instruction of the Lord. If you want to talk about how to do any of these six principles, give us a shout. nlino@nehbc.com.
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