differences in your marriage--reason to celebrate or reason to hate

Last night I asked Nicole if she would like to have lunch with me today since all the kids are in school on Thursdays. I was looking forward to some nice time together. We went to a local Italian joint and had a nice quiet lunch.

Here's how our conversation went:

Nicole: "We need to decide the logistics for the 3 days in Corpus Christi."
Me: "What are you thinking we should do because I don't care how it plays out."

Me: "I can't wait until we are empty nesters, I have great plans in mind. Just think about what we'll be free to do...(Insert vision casting here)"
Nicole: "Uh huh"

Nicole: "Campbell has a birthday party to go to on Saturday afternoon; here's the plan..."
Me: "Uh huh."

Me: "Where do you want to retire? I think somewhere out of state or overseas where we can be anonymous for once. Somewhere we can go out to eat and nobody knows who we are. How about Florida. Imagine the possibilities; we could...(insert vision casting here)"
Nicole: (crickets)

Me: "It seems like every pastor I know has a child make a knucklehead decision that affects everyone in the family. Do you think God allows this in order to teach us empathy and compassion? I mean, just think of what we will be like if none of our four does something really dumb at some point. We will think we have it all figured out."
Nicole: "hmmm"

My wife and I are both Type A, but that's where our similarities end. My wife is very much a strong, make it happen type who can organize and lead just about anything...but get out the way if you are just going to stand there and take up space. She is fulfilled by checking things off her list--which at any given time is long and contains objectives that would make most quit. She has little time for nonsense or dwelling on the hyperthetical. I'm a think in the future, lead in the present type whose mind has almost always moved on from any present accomplishment almost before it even happens. I'm a visionary who doesn't like being involved in minute details that are mission critical, but unfulfilling to me. As soon as something is on track, I'm looking way down the road again. That's fulfilling to me.

So when Nicole and I have time together--we don't naturally enjoy discussing the same things. I want to talk about the future--5, 10, 30 years down the road. She wants to talk about November and Christmas because she is churning through a list of objectives as efficiently as she can. So, I have to have moments when I remind myself to talk about what she likes and she has to remind herself to talk about what I like because we don't naturally overlap.

We are not alone in this. Most couples have tremendous differences and these differences in personality and nature can be seen as an asset or a reason for distance. I adopted a motto back when Nicole and I were engaged and we sat down with an internationally known marriage "expert" over lunch who promptly told us that most of the time when people like us marry they get divorced because the differences are so great. (That would have been a major concern for most engaged couples--but for our personalities it made getting married that much more exciting and adventurous...bring it on!) My motto is: different is good.

Now, to be sure, there are differences in marriage that are not good: what you do with Christ; your view of the Scriptures; your view of gender roles in the home; your philosophy of childrearing; etc. On these issues Nicole and I agree. On these issues, different is not good, it's really bad.

But outside of these kinds of issues, my motto has gotten me through a lot of "frustrating to me" moments in our marriage. Our differences are vast. But, in my heart I know she is perfect for balancing me out and keeping me in check. Thus, different is good--even when it feels bad.

So, maybe you are frustrated at your spouse right now because "they don't get it" or "they don't like what you like" or ________, let me just remind you that different is good. You need the balance your spouse brings to your life. Whether you see the differences as a reason to celebrate or hate is simply a decision: is different good or is different bad?

I say it's definitely good and here's why: The Lord gave you your spouse as a gift. When you don't delight in His gift (ie: differences are bad) what does that communicate to Him? But, when you delight in His gift (ie: differences are good), it glorifies Him.

So, go home tonight and enjoy the differences instead of fighting over them.
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